Panic, anxiety, stress, depression, lack of sleep repeat

I previously wrote a post regarding if anyone had been cured. If you are here the answer is likely no., When I say cured I mean without having this constant panic or depression. I just had an infusion today and for an hour I felt so much better. I’m still in a better place, but it’s like I can feel the panic and worry on the outskirts. I wish I could be like my wife. She will just switch her moods fairly easily, and doesn’t let work stress bother her too much. I think I am not cut out for my current world. I need to make a change to a simpler life without so many stressors. I feel like my priorities need to change. I’ve been striving to be successful and make decent money, which I currently am (at least what I consider good money). I feel like the more success you get, the more stress is added, and the more pressure you feel. I think society gets us to play the game by being part of this consumerist society, and we all are on a hamster wheel. The more successful you get (in your mind) the higher the setting goes on the hamster wheel. I want to slow things down. Pay off all debt including mortgages, and just make what I need. I need to get out of this cycle. I’m already predisposed to anxiety, stress, and worry. Why continue to add more? Just so I can buy more stuff I don’t need. I don’t know if this makes any sense. As I said I just had an infusion and I’m still hazy. I feel like we are sucked into this “machine” or “cycle” of what what we are told is supposed to be important, but it’s all wrong. Does anyone else have these thoughts of moving to the beach in another country or buying land and having a small farm? I feel like that’s the life we are supposed to be living. It’s the antithesis or the life I always thought I wanted, but did I want it? Was my ideology of what life should be what others have told me it should be? (Parents, friends, society, TV, social media, etc.). I should be grateful for all I have. It really doesn’t mean a whole lot to me though. The more I think about it, the more I think that I just want people to like me or feel successful to my parents or Others. As much as I want to believe I don’t care what others think I guess deep down I do. Why should I have to be a certain way to feel accepted, and why do I have this ingrained in me? I honestly just want enough money to have a decent house (can totally be small), Food, and something that makes me feel fulfilled like a small business or hobby. I’m
Self employed and have a small business, but I sell houses. Even though I don’t mind my career path it’s not necessarily fulfilling, but I think I could find that in other things. I guess my epiphany today would be that I need to find a way to slow my life down. Hopefully I don’t regret posting this because I honestly don’t remember everything I just wrote.

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I relate and am struggling with something similar. When Ketamine helped lift my depression part of me thought, well, I’ll be fine continuing my incredibly stress-inducing (lawyer) job because I’ve found a tool to help manage my depressed mood. But another part of me thinks, it would be so much easier to manage my moods with and/or without Ketamine if I just found a job better suited for someone with not the best mental health. I think ultimately the feeling of being able to breath easier and lighter makes me want to structure my whole life so that’s the normal experience.

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Yeah I think psychedelics make us realize what is important in life. The thoughts of success in our minds isn’t necessarily what one would consider successful. It’s implanted in our minds by the system early on in our Iives. Previously I would think that’s “hippy talk”, but it’s real. The true meaning of life is love, community, and compassion not work, career, and material things. I saw a quote the other day that moved me. “Most people try to be someone important rather than do something important”.

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As Timothy Leary put it, “Turn on, tune in, drop out.” Turn on via the psychedelics, tune in to what really matters, and drop out of the rat race…

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Yup. I feel that people took that literally like drop out of school. That’s not necessarily what he meant. I do think it’s not a bad idea to have a career you excel at even if you don’t like it, save money, pay off debt, and do what you truly want to do. That’s my goal. I don’t hate my current career, but I want to save money to live a simpler life.