Well my first treatment was odd and my second treatment was terrifying!
Yesterday evening I went in for a 7pm intramuscular session. The NP injected my first dose at 7pm… All was going well and I was still coherent. She came back promptly at 7:15 for my second dose and I put on my eye mask, and my headphones. I had a ketamine specific playlist off of Spotify.
At 7:31pm I practically jolted myself out of the chair. I cannot recall much in that 15 minute window but I vividly remember being overwhelmed with anxiety and was calling out for my kids. I kept saying their names over and over in my mind and I kept hearing myself saying if I don’t pull myself out of this session I will be stuck here forever… So I literally pulled myself out of ketamine. I ripped my mask off, threw my headphones on the table, grabbed my phone and frantically tried to find a song that I knew would calm me down. I had put my phone in airplane mode so I kept trying to search but obviously in airplane mode it didn’t work. At one point I grabbed my glasses because the tv in the room had words on it and something in my mind told me it was a message for me and it was very difficult to read on ketamine but it ended up being the copyright info… I was so angry in that moment because I thought it was the answer to what was happening (obviously that was still the ketamine coursing through me).
It’s like I panicked and brought myself back to the real world. A nurse poked her head in about ten minutes later to ask if I was ok. I told her yes I just needed a few more minutes.
The NP came in at 8pm and said I’m fighting my treatment. That I’m resisting going to whatever place I need to be… It was truly an awful feeling. I was so disoriented and afraid. I have no clue why I thought I would never see my kids again. I can see in hindsight that there was nothing to worry about but my God when you think you won’t have your children you kind of freak out.
I then had an insane throbbing headache and felt like I was going to vomit for several hours after. I believe that was from trying to fight the ketamine.
Please help!! I really want this to work. I have desperately tried other therapies for years without success. It’s like I am getting in the way of myself:(
The NP suggested I take .5mg of a drug (sorry I was so spun up I cannot remember the name) to calm me prior to the treatment. It was not Valium but a drug she said they use prior to anesthesia in surgical settings. I am just so unsure what to do. Is it possible that I just couldn’t go wherever my mind was taking me? How do you quell irrational thinking during treatment? Or kill this ego that has built such a protection around it that ketamine cannot get past it?!
My next treatment is Monday morning. I don’t want to quit though I’m ruminating about yesterday… HELP!