4 days after KAP 2- still struggling

My God, you guys, this is such a roller coaster. After my first KAP, i was extremely depressed that night of but then got better day after day. This 2nd KAP seems to be worse. I’ve been depressed for days now, largely because of the estrangement with my family with whom I’ve always been close. I uncovered wounds that they don’t like that I spoke up about. I had to express my emotions for my own health, but I rocked the boat too much for them. What is healthy for me is rejected by them. My friend who is further along in KAP than I am is a totally changed man and has been able to make peace with so many difficult things. He is confident I will too about all of this, but it feels so hopeless and discouraging right now. :sweat:

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@yoginichica Hang in there you will get better. I understand your depression about the separation from family. It is definitely not easy and that in and of itself for me was very discouraging. I did come to realize that rocking the boat (as you say) was totally unacceptable in my family. Rocking the boat for me was unacceptable because the family lived in complete and rudder denial of the extreme abuse that was happening everyday in the home. For me, living in that state of lies that we were the model family was literally slowly killing me! I felt like we were a very close family (or willed myself to believe that) for many years because it was just to painful to accept the truth of the matter and how it was effecting me as a whole person. Expressing the toxicity to family is incredibly difficult yet at the same time at least for me was the beginning of my healing. Ketamine can be a roller coaster and as everyone in this community has reiterated to me, This is a Process. A hard process that is sometimes difficult to be patient with however, better off in the long run. I wish you the very best. Make sure you speak to your providers about your reaction. Meds may need to be adjusted or your integration therapist may have strategies to help deal with all these feeling. I pray it begins to get better for you. :heart:

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You have no idea how I needed to hear EVERY word of that. Your words resonate completely. It helps so much to know that someone else has lived thru much the similar thing. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped. :pray:

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@yoginichica Warms my heart that helped. Take Care❣️

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Don’t give up; sometimes it takes more than one infusion start to see the benefit!

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Hang in there @Deb. If you are like me this is a last resort. Don’t let anyone, not even family prevent you from healing. Easier said than done but you have to do this for yourself. Maybe they need some infusion? It can be a rough journey but it is definitely worth taking. Find people that support you on this journey and star positive. Having a negative mind set can effect the outcome… hopefully your family will come around.

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@yoginichica, I’m so sorry you’re going through so much right now. I can’t imagine how hard that must be for you. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself though. You are a very strong person. And very kind and caring based on all the support you’ve taken the time to give to me. Just know that it gets better. My therapist says ketamine lifts the layers and I have absolutely found that to be true. Very different than I imagined. Lifting layers of depression, but also all that lies beneath. I’ve felt like a snow globe - pieces of myself raining down everywhere. I have found that slowly, through a lot journaling and therapy, those pieces are connecting in a new and healthy way. Like lead shavings to a magnet, I feel like it’s creating a strong core. It’s work though. Work that I’m finally able to do, because of ketamine. I have good days and bad days though. I am really emotional at times and days of doubt too. Slowly I’m seeing the bigger picture. Something I’ve never been able to do before. I’ve always been pretty clueless in my survival bubble, bobbing along in life. I’ve got so far to go, I know, but I can’t believe all ketamine has done for me. I have bipolar disorder with years of treatment resistant depression, complex PTSD and anxiety. I feel like I’ve taken every drug known to man, hospitalizations - both of my own free will and not, ECT…nothing has worked. I am 56 years old and have struggled for as long as I can remember, with my first suicide attempt at 10. If I can feel relief, healing, progress, hope…well, it’s miraculous to me. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude, I cannot even express it. Please hang in there. I know it gets better. It’s not easy at all, but it can get better. Praying for you, @yoginichica.

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Yes, I’ve done 2 now and I’ve read it generally takes at least 3-4 before one sees real, lasting change. The waiting is killing me. My clinic normally does every 3 weeks, but they’ve reduced me to 2 because I don’t need to wait that long in between. I honestly could have done every week. I process quickly. But as my third one is next Friday, that will come soon enough.

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You are so right about it “lifting layers.” I liken it to peeling an onion. You’ve got to keep on peeling to get to the core of the healing . I will get there. The waiting and the up and down in between is TOUGH. Honestly, this support group is keeping me going! Thanks so much. :pray:

I am so very sorry that you’ve had such a tough go of it all thru life, but pat yourself on the back. It truly does take BRAVE, spiritual warriors to do this work. That is even clearer to me when I see how resistant my entire family is to even considering this as a viable therapy- if they did, they’d have to perhaps admit that they have much deeper healing to do.

You are a brave soul for doing this work and that kind of work gets rewarded in the richest, most beautiful ways. I am so happy and honored to walk beside you all, even as strangers, on this healing journey. :sparkling_heart:

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My family absolutely need their own infusions. Too bad they would never. My eldest bro, who used to be really close, thinks this is “pseudoscience” (despite all the actual hard science!) and instead believes the only way is to be drugged up on psychiatric drugs. (Meanwhile, he is still in the ER for semi-regular panic attacks, but thinks he is “fine.” I, of course, can see the trauma he needs to heal, because it’s largely the same as my own, from childhood.) Well, we all know better or we wouldn’t be here. There IS a better way and I’m determined to get that message out to as many people as will listen, even if it alienates my family. These therapies can save so many lives! Time to kick the stigma. I fully intend to be part of leading that charge. :muscle::muscle::muscle:

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Yes, finding your sources of strength during this journey is so important. My family does not know about my treatment. Not because I am ashamed of it or anything like that. Simply because they would either not be sympathetic or believe my need for it in the first place, or in the case of my mother would not only be unsympathetic but would absolutely come unglued. (OMG she’s using DRUGS.) I’m not fortune-telling - I simply know them extremely well. Frankly, I don’ t need their approval and certainly do not need their baggage to carry along with my own.

I’m very fortunate that my husband and I have a very close relationship (if anything we are a bit too bonded, which has its own drawbacks). I have some very close friends - some of whom are in the medical industry and have experienced psychedelics or in the case of one is a recently retired anesthesiologist. They are my chosen family, and have been wonderful even if they don’t fully understand.

I guess what I am trying to say - you have enough of a burden seeking healing on this journey. I hope you don’t feel like you are obligated to drag any extra emotional anchors behind you. Obviously we all have complicated relationships we can’t entirely avoid that make healing challenging. Nothing is perfect. But you may have to loosen those bonds a little bit for your own health and sanity. :heart:

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Thank you, yes all wise words. The challenge is, and one of main reasons for needing healing, is that we’ve always been close. Especially my eldest brother- I’ve always been able to talk to him about anything. But after my psilocybin therapy revealed a HUGE mother wound, which I then unpacked in therapy, when I wrote a calm, rational, compassionate letter to my mother explaining how she had wounded me (with my therapist’s help), the whole family has basically turned against me. I went from being really close with them all to him telling me “you don’t take responsibility for the chaos you create” and “you are bipolar and need meds”, and then my mother and my aunt ignoring me and stonewalling me- all when I was doing the healthy and mature thing of trying to express difficult emotions in order to heal. I knew this was a necessary step in my healing, and frankly a family should be supportive of me doing the brave work to try to heal my wounds and depression- but instead they all see it as me “causing trouble” and “being selfish,” especially since my mother has cancer (she’s doing quite well.) Thank God I have an amazing therapist and ONE lone friend who have been supporting me thru this and know that I did nothing wrong by a. Expressing my emotions and b. Taking responsibility for my healing. But my family think I’m the most ungrateful, selfish human for doing so. And at a time when family should be rallying around a member who is deeply depressed and hurting, instead they have ALL stonewalled me, gaslight me and abandoned me. Thus, of course , making my depression that much worse. I’ve been beside myself because never in my life did I imagine THIS family to not be there for me! It’s been so incredibly hurtful and cruel and I’ve felt so completely alone. If I had a loving partner by my side, this wouldn’t be so hard, but despite always wanting marriage and kids, it just didn’t work out and I’m totally single and kidless. At this age, when all of my high school friends’ kids are going to proms and off to college, that has been very hard. And part of my depression has been grieving that loss of the family life that I’d always dreamed of. I never imagined I’d end up alone. It’s so lonely. And you may recall, one of the first things that led me to this healing was trying to heal from a broken heart, from a breakup 4 years ago from the man I wanted to marry. So I’ve been grieving all the things: loss of love, loss of children, loss of my family. I’ve been alone the greater part of my adult life and in most of those years I’ve been at peace with that- but all of this piled on top, in my late 40s, has bee the loneliest and most alone I’ve ever felt in my life. :sweat:

But, several wise friends and my yoga teacher have all pointed out that their negative projections onto me are ALL a result of their own wounding, their inability to admit that I might in fact have trauma from our childhood and that mom did in fact do narcissistic and emotionally abusive things. The worst part about my brother is that for 45 years, we’ve talked and commiserated about my mother’s “crazy.” But this was a bridge too far for him. At a time when I needed my big bro to hold me and let me cry, he told me I was bipolar, selfish and needed help. Hello, gaslighting? I never fully understood the meaning of gaslighting until all of this, and with my therapist helping me to understand just how much emotional abuse is actually taking place here.

Honestly, all of you, complete strangers, are what is keeping me going right now. To know that there are others out here struggling with similar familial abuses and trauma and actually doing your work. My brother is medicated up the wazoo on SSRIs and mood stabilizers and he thinks he is “the healthiest he’s ever been.” But what I see is a man either on the verge of a nervous breakdown or a heart attack. And I was simply offering him science and data about an alternative treatment that could actually HEAL the wounds instead of just numbing them with meds. And that is when I realized just how misogynistic my brother has become in his middle age (he’s 51). He started mansplaining to me and telling me this is “pseudoscience.” Um, ok, except that every major research institution AND the FDA have researched and approved ketamine and are now doing so for other psychedelics. But it was a painful realization to discover that he doesn’t think I know anything. He couldn’t possibly conceive of the fact that his little sister (I’m 46) has knowledge, information and experience that could actually HELP him. God forbid he admit that I might possibly know something he doesn’t. That was when I had the painful realization that I really do not even like the rigid, closed-off, stubborn man that he has become. And I realized that he has always treated me like a child, rather than as the very independent, self-sufficient, intelligent, 46-year-old woman who has traveled the world, done healing ceremonies with shaman in Peru, etc. I know SO much more than he does and he cannot possibly conceive of that fact. It’s frankly insulting and nauseating. I was pretty much done with him after all of that and I had to tell him we are at an impasse. We haven’t spoken much since which or course made the whole family rift worse but I still feel I had no choice if I had any self-respect whatsoever. When he told me I was bipolar (a diagnosis I do not have) and that my feelings are not valid, I knew that was gaslighting and I recognized immediately that it was a form of emotional abuse. My work now has been trying to accept, swallow and somehow find some kind of peace with all of that- after knowing how close we’d been all of my life. It’s been brutal. But apparently there was so much more wrong with my family than I ever understood and revealing that is now part of my healing. I continue to peel back the onion.

I just scheduled KAP #3 for this Friday and I’ll have #4 next Friday, so I’m feeling hopeful that after those 2, I’ll be well on my way to deeper healing.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing and for the kind words of wisdom. This group is helping me so much. :sparkling_heart::pray:

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This is my first time to post here (or anywhere else like this!) but I wanted to write to tell you that, for me, it was after treatment number four that I first felt better. Out of sheer and desperate hope, I told the nurse anesthetist who had been administering to me that this was gonna be The One to bump me up out of my depression. And he then gave me a bit higher dose, which I wasn’t aware of until I asked at the next session. Not sure if this was the reason the treatment seemed more effective or if it was just the cumulative effect. Nevertheless, hang on!

And please just allow yourself to focus on getting strong again and to not worry about all the family stuff right now. Tell yourself you can do that later! Ok? It’s too much to figure out anytime, but when you’re in the middle of an episode, it just makes it worse. So be kind and care for you right now. Give yourself a pass. Hang on. Keep writing.

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Thank you so much. Your post made me cry. Yes, I agree I need to try to just focus on ME and my healing and worry about the rest later. Thank you for giving me that permission. It helps to hear it.

My last KAP was a bumped up dose so we are going to stay there for now. We had started me fairly high because I was quite experienced with psychedelic journeys. And they don’t want to give me so much as to put me to sleep. So we will stick with this higher dose and see how it goes on Friday!

Thank you so much for the loving support. It makes such a huge difference. :sparkling_heart::pray:

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@yoginichica - hang in there and be proud of yourself and having the strength to do what you need to do to be happy and healthy.

I hope you didn’t think I was unsympathetic in my last response - far from it. I am so sorry if I gave that impression. Ironically for someone who writes for a living, I don’t know how to talk about emotional situations very well. @Ruthie did a much better job of expressing what I was trying to say. :heart: The behavior you’re describing is exactly the reason I didn’t involve my family - because I unfortunately learned in childhood that although they love me in their own way I cannot trust them to “have my back”. Just as an example: when I tried to talk to my mother about abuse I had survived in childhood, she made it very clear that she wasn’t even bothering to pay attention to the conversation. No kidding. I think it’s the most painful abuse of all - that the people who you’ve been expecting all your life to be there for you - you learn are either not willing to support you or worse - causing you the most harm. I am so very sorry to hear of your pain. It’s sadly common among this community, I’m afraid. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less for you and I wish you weren’t having to deal with it.

You are NOT selfish to want to be happy and healthy! You have every right to focus on what you need to do to achieve that goal! You deserve to be loved and supported in your journey - we are all here for you. We will all be thinking of you on Friday and sending you strength and courage. :heart:

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I had a similar experience last year of having a trusted family member shock me with a very unexpected response to my vulnerability. I one hundred percent assumed my beloved sister would be so supportive when I told her I was going to separate from my husband of 19 years after a long unhappy relationship (fraught with all kinds of stuff including two high needs children). We talked openly about all of that all along the way over many many years and she was always supportive, as I was to her. When I told her about this huge painful decision, I was just waiting for her to love me and feel sorry for my heartache and difficult choice. I thought she would be proud of me for being brave. And she got all shaky and weird and asked me if I had really considered how hard this was gonna be, had I PRAYED about this? I was like, “Do you not think I’ve thought this through in a million ways? Not to mention for years? Do I WANT THIS? Are you judging my relationship with GOD?” She insisted she was just about trying to save our family and the hurt it would cause the boys. I was floored. I couldn’t get through to her. It wasn’t what I needed. I know it was just her talking about her own fears. It was a projection. But it still threw me for a total loop. After some more back and forth, she basically hung up on me, “too upset to talk anymore.” I was sitting there like I got run over like a Mack truck. I couldn’t believe it. Our relationship was changed, in an instant. I essentially felt like I lost my best friend, because best friends are the people you can talk to about anything and they won’t judge you. You can bet I am not telling her, or my mother, about this treatment. It’s too much to deal with to explain it and be the one to have to take care of their fear, essentially. I’m sad I don’t have family support. But this is my life and I choose to take care of myself right now because my children need me! So hard to feel this separation from my sister. Not giving up on some sort of relationship at some point. But for now, I’m sort of on my own with the ketamine thing. (With a couple of safe friends.)

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Omg, not ever. Your posts have been nothing but supportive, don’t worry. I’m just very verbose and wear my heart on my sleeve, so was just explaining the whole drama! Your support has only been deeply appreciated and valued. :pray:

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Aw man, that is so hard. I can totally understand how her reaction blindsided you! I’m realizing in my 40s that the older we get and the more divergent our life experiences are, the greater the possibility of rifts forming with siblings. I imagined us always being the siblings that would brush our teeth together and laugh so hard that we spit water out of our noses. Back then our life experience was essentially the same, but with each passing decade, of course our experiences and our perspectives shift. And it can mean rifts and even sometimes irreconcilable differences. Nobody really prepares us for how hard life can actually be.

I give you so much credit for having the strength to leave your marriage after so long. I’ve never been married but I know how hard it was to leave a 3-year relationship with a man I loved, so I know it takes SUPER strength and resolve for you to come to that place. Stand in your strength. You’ve earned it.

You really do understand my sadness and shock over my rift with my brother. That helps me so much. I hope it helps you to hear my story as well. We’ve got to find strength in the people who DO support us, including in this group. You are not alone. :sparkling_heart:

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Im so glad that “Community” banner caught my eye yesterday as I was filling out the PHQ (for what seems like the millionth time;) ! I needed this. Thank you for writing and I’m really heartened reading a bunch of these posts. We all have questions, needs, & can offer support, even in the thick of it. It’s quite beautiful, really :sunflower:

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I’m so glad you did too! Welcome! We’re all in this together. :sparkling_heart:

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