Clarity and questioning your life

Has anybody experienced a newfound clarity after ketamine infusions and started questioning your marriage, relationships, job, etc… and have doubts about your life decisions?

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Absolutely. Seems to be definitely part of the journey for some of us.

Someone here said “ketamine is honest “ and I think that’s a really great way to describe it. It pretty much forces you to confront old buried emotions and part of that seems to also have to confront old traumas that caused it all in the first place. If we don’t question our relationships…decisions…etc how are we ever to grow past what we’ve endured and our conditioned responses to that? It’s not much fun but it seems to be necessary. God knows I am not enjoying revisiting all the pain and anger. I wish I could cry during infusions to let more of it out, but my brain doesn’t seem to work that way. At least not yet.

Certainly if I had gone through treatment during my previous marriage it may have ended even sooner than it did.

Interestingly enough…the other day my husband (who has been wonderfully supportive throughout - so grateful) admitted that one of his worries about my going through treatment was that I would do exactly that - reevaluate my life - and decide I did not want him in it! He has his own demons…I think it must have taken a great deal of courage for him to support me in spite of that fear.

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If you’ve ever read a series of books by Neal Donald Walsh called “Conversations With God”, you may remember that one of definitions of love was to want for your beloved what they want for themselves. It sounds like you have a keeper this time.

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Haven’t read those - will look them up ! Always on the hunt for more books to absorb. :blush: Yes, he’s a keeper - not perfect but also working on his own challenges. We make a good (if somewhat asocial sometimes) team.

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I am also working on finding ways to release emotions. I have started to cry during sessions however, I quickly stop due to the anxiety around crying. Crying as a child had severe consequences for me. My therapist encouraged me to let go as I was now in a safe space. Unfortunately, I am not at the point of releasing the pain in such an explicit way…yet!

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Thank all of you for sharing because I sometimes just feel alone in this even though my wife and kids supports me, yet it’s as if they’re not really understanding of the process and what a person can go through emotionally. Part of that I guess has to do with the way they have seen me all of their lives being a hardass, get it done, kinda guy and then this breaks all of that down. It’s not fun, but neither is dealing with depression and anxiety that’s been bottled up for years. I’m 50 years old now and some days I feel like that little kid I use to be that was scared with no clue as to what I was doing and why I felt like I did.

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Deb - I’m sure that’s a large part of my inability to cry as well. There weren’t necessarily consequences per se but certainly it wasn’t going to do any good. It’s going to take a long time to overcome that conditioning. I at least ferl like I want to cry more often which in a strange way is probably an improvement.

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It takes being a bit of a hardass to power through and be a high achiever in spite of having the 100 lb monkey on your back that is depression/anxiety.

I don’t know what it’s like to be you but I do know exactly what it’s like to have mo one believe you’re struggling or have anything but a perfect life because you fake being okay so well. Even when I have tried to reach for help in the past I was always dismissed. It was a bit of a shock for my husband to learn just how often that voice tells me I should walk out into the woods and keep going. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to get treatment that WORKS. I’m exhausted with pretending to be okay. I appreciate all of you for your company on this journey and your honesty.

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I’ve gotten so good at maintaining a front. I have no idea what people would think if they knew the truth. It’s exhausting to pretend all the time but I also think it somehow gives me that strength to keep going. I’m very quick to break down and start crying when I do get honest about my circumstances.

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I can relate and it is exhausting. I work a pretty intense job and have had people tell me how much they appreciate how laid back I am. I think to myself if you only knew… I am learning to share with a few trusted friends when I am struggling and need to connect.

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Deb I feel the strain too. I don’t have but one person that relates to me and my wife has a problem with her. This person does get it because she has the same issues and does infusions too. It’s just hard to deal with this kind of situation. That’s why the format here helps me to talk about issues like this. I haven’t posted much, but I will be doing more posting.

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That’s why this community it so wonderful. It’s such a relief to be able to compare experiences and ask questions. Glad you’re getting help and glad you’re participating!

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@Deb I HATE it when people tell me “you’re so laid back “! It’s usually followed up by them telling me I can’t possibly be stressed out. Arrgh.

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I am 100% the same way!! If anyone really “knew”, I’m not sure what the end result would be. Ketamine as painful as it is to address my depression is slowly bringing me back to the person I once was. And that makes it all worth it. Right now there is only my old healthier self peeking out. I’m looking forward to feeling this burden lift.

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I definitely had a Clarity breakthrough, even before I finished my initial 6 treatments. The only way I have been able to explain it to friends and others I have talked to is that I don’t “go from 0 (zero) to The End of the World” in 3 nanoseconds.

That has been the one constant over the course of a couple of years. Any doubts I have had were there anyway, but the clarity has made it easier to address them.

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@Sojourner, when my ex wife and I were going to marriage counseling (which I don’t remember if it was before or after I tried to Kill myself), the counselor separated our visits right after the first one and even when to say: “my job is primarily to help people save their marriages but you both need to get away from each other”, LOL. He, in just one sitting and one single breath realized and expressed how toxic she was and how damaged I was. On my first individual session with him, he asked what my opinion of marriage was, but kinda as a question: how did you approach marriage?. My answer was: I went into my marriage thinking I will do everything for her, love her, take care of her, everything in despite of my own needs or wants because I was expecting her to do the same for me and that way our union will be perfect, selfishness in love. He laughed, and said: WRONG, how do you expect to effectively love someone if you don’t love yourself first?, enough to be treated fairly, decently and respected by the woman you said you love, why would you put your own happiness in someone else’s hands? If you don’t love or like yourself, what make you think you can do it for others, and worse yet why would you rely on someone else to assure your own happiness. He was right, I didn’t worry about my needs, just Hers, as she only worry about herself and no one else.
He told me to read the book:
AS A MAN THINKETH
That counselor and that little book helped me find again the appreciation I once has for myself and my life, in particular my mental health.

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Heh. Rafael, wanting for your beloved what they want for themselves doesn’t mean that you check your own needs and desires at the door. It just means that you don’t look upon THEM as the means to your own fulfillment. Perfect love grants perfect freedom. If your own desires and hers are irreconcilable, I would think it means that you love them enough to let them go.

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Makes sense, thank you.