Cry of the lab rat

They drug me then blame me
And even told me not to “chicken out”
Why is wanting my sanity back
Something they don’t care about

Drink more water, they tell me
Is water the cure?
If so then water is cheaper
And much more pure

I love my mind and want it back
Can’t function on this drug
I’m still spinning, spinning
Someone pull the k plug

I’ve spent money I need
On this junk damaging my brain
But they don’t want to hear
Don’t complain, don’t complain

I will do so, I’ll cry out
For anyone to hear
For our mind is are precious
I just want mine clear

I would rather have emotions
Than numb, terror, fear
They “overdosed” me they said
But so what, that is clear

It’s just about money
Or some experiment for fun
I have no idea
Can I just sit in the sun?

I think nature and something else
Must be better than this hell
I am only writing this
To distract my mind from unwell

Maybe if I write it will
Somehow go away
Whatever this experiment is
Has ruined my day!!!

Dear God please help
And bring back my brain
And when lab rat dr reads this
Discharged because I complain

I know how they operate
I’ve seen this before
One bad post somewhere
They will show you the door

Maybe that would be a blessing
A blessing for my head
For I can’t live my life
Sick and in bed

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thank you for sharing this! as someone who has been both healed AND traumatized by psychedelics/drugs/therapy, it definitely speaks to the more complicated/horrifying parts of the “treatment” process.

may you feel grounded soon! ideally in nature :slight_smile:

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I am on the beach now which has been my solace. But I can’t enjoy it as I used to. I’ve lost my ability to enjoy the very few things I used to enjoy. I am just praying this ends soon. At this point I cannot ever see myself taking k again as it has poisoned me

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In your poem, you mentioned that writing about your experience seems to distract you for a little bit?

it can feel unsettling to not be comforted by the things that comforted you. still, it’s good that you sought out that comfort and there’s no reason that comfort can’t come back (even if it takes time!).

until then, i hope you can find something that gets you through (if not joy and comfort, at least not-distress) until that time comes!

also yes, good that you’re setting those boundaries for yourself!!

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Rabbit, you mentioned k has traumatized and healed you. Were you traumatized in this way where you felt you had lost your mind for days? (I had my own prior k trauma experience a year ago but that’s unrelated)

Thanks for being supportive. I feel so ungrounded right now, like I’m still floating in the k chair, this seems crazy

I left my dr a pretty clear email today about the hell I’m going through from the “overdose” and if I don’t get a call from them first thing possible for them, they are disconnected from me immediately. I can’t deal with the miserable medical care in this country anymore! I know, count our blessings, could be much much worse.

Happy Thanksgiving

Actually it was more like acid and a few other niche psychedelics traumatized me! It was more like I had

  1. a terrifying experience
  2. try to forget about it as much as I can and not talk about it because it felt like “too much” for people to handle (only later that I would realize it’s a walk in the park for some :laughing: )
  3. Over the next few weeks/months, I’d have weird symptoms, like bodily hallucinations, brain fog, and just feeling constantly watched. It would sometimes be hard to just sit down and read /anything/

Then I’d go back into those experiences and see if I could “overcome” them.

That didn’t really end up working super well! I would have these experiences in places that didn’t feel super safe without the best mindset and in turn that would amplify the terrifying parts–which definitely made it worst :sweat_smile:

Eventually I learned to reintegrate these experiences through getting stable enough with low-dose medication, therapy, and just making as much sense of it through words and movement.

I still sometimes struggle with brain fog and feelings of dread, but I’m a lot better at coping with it to the point that it the “peak” of my symptoms feels like distant memory. I feel like I’ve also learned a lot about what healing is which definitely give the whole ordeal meaning!

I’ve since gone back to psychedelics (only mushrooms really) much more cautiously and only on special occasion, and I’ve found this and ketamine to be helpful if it’s at a low-dose (I use at-home lozenges). mainly because i can revisit this + other traumas at a pace that genuinely feels ok for me! i haven’t done infusions at all, so i can imagine it’s a completely different experience. (even my three low-doses sesions have so far felt pretty different from each other!)

Also just coming from having taken a year to talk about my psychedelic trauma, I’m optimistic for you! if only because it sounds like you’re being super verbal about your experience and you’re already actively trying to make sense of it all! These experiences can feel alienating and the important part is not to let that alienation take over!

wish you the very best and happy thanksgiving :smiley:

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