Feeling the emotions

The Ketamine sessions have brought up a lot of emotions for me. I have spend so much of my life pulling up my boots and pushing through to try and make something of myself, survival meant pushing down any feelings/emotions.
The flashbacks, night terrors/nightmares even the dissociation brings back such intense feelings. I believe the Ketamine is helping identify and sort through those emotions. With that said, feeling the feelings (so to speak) is no easy task. Feeling very overwhelmed and hypervigilant tonight.

4 Likes

Thinking of you Deb. Feeling the feels us definitely rough. Here’s hoping for a restful night and a peaceful tomorrow. :heart:

2 Likes

Thank you, Shepherdess. I pray things calm down soon.

3 Likes

Deb, I feel so bless to be part of a group where you can voice your current state and get all this positive energy send towards you by all that can relate and truly understand your condition. You sound like a very tough cookie and all the effort to keep afloat won’t go into waste, I am sure you have built resilient but you are almost too tired sometimes to stay on your feet and wish someone can carry you just for a little bit do you can rest, recharge and resume your life.
It does take a very strong will to function with depression sneaking on you, it does take a very strong person to manage life when joy is nowhere near but I am sure every single day, something happens, something wonderful that reminds you that all that fight is well worth it.
Keep it going Deb, love your life, treasure your friends and be grateful to your family for being there for you. :blue_heart:

4 Likes

Your words are inspiring, Rafael. Thank you!

2 Likes

Your comments about resilience yet being to tired to stay on my feet really hits home. I dealt with years of extreme childhood abuse. My Dad died when I was 11 months old (accident in a dynamite plant, he was only 25 years old). Everything became extremely abusive after my Dad was gone.
Your comment about something wonderful happening everyday also rings true. I also consider myself very academic and through all of the trauma school was my outlet, my distraction and “get away!”. I managed to accomplish my Ph.D. and do find joy in the work I do on a daily basis.
As I said, I have spent years avoiding feelings and pushing forward. The feelings are at a point of refusing to be ignored. Distractions at times no longer work and as you said I am exhausted (as I am sure many people on this site feel). The hypervigilance does not help the exhaustion and again you are correct, I just want someone else to take the “watch” for a while.
With all that said, I will work to sit with and accept the feelings as much as I can and enjoy that part of my job that brings me such joy! I truly appreciate your thoughtful response, Rafael.:purple_heart:

4 Likes

Thank you @Deb, I can relate to everything you said soooo well, we got a lot in common.
You reminded me of a “talk” I heard a while ago where the speaker made a reference to “parenting ourselves “. I am sure she wasn’t referring to depressed people, maybe just the lazy, the unmotivated, the one that is always helped by others, etc, but those feelings also run along depression. Anyway, first time I heard I wanted to reach into the screen and slapped that woman across the face (figure of rhetoric speaking), I would never hit anyone. She infuriated me but then I though maybe she is partially right, maybe I can teach myself how to control my emotions (the one thing that always got me in trouble and made me lost several jobs). I was very easy to get aggravated by people’s unfairness, that I always ended up losing my shit. I was one of those that screamed: “somebody better hold me”. I blasted people out and told them the day, time and position of their dead body once I was finished (again just ramping and barking at the wrong tree). I figured that was my issue not their; I was turning my emotions against me, turning them into actions and my actions into fatal consequences.
I am in a point in my life that walking away and disconnecting from those irritants before they affected does actually helps, it has become a must to hide inside myself, right now people don’t even know they bothered the crap out of me with their lack of common sense and stupidity because I don’t show it, I don’t let them know, I am not giving them the power to know what gets under my skin and become a victim of their ignorance.
I found the video for you:

@Deb Why is it so hard to convince a brain and body that “that was then, this is now”? I’m so sorry you’re having to find the strength to relive all that pain. But so glad you’re here where we can help cheer you on and that you have a strong therapy team behind you as well. You can do this! You can kick this crap back to the past where it belongs. You are amazing and will find remission. :heart:

2 Likes

That is a great clip, Rafael. I couldn’t agree more. I learnt parenting myself and others very young. Without getting into the whole long story, my mother married another man and had 4 kids with him. I was essentially the built in nanny. I had to learn very young to set boundaries for the 4 kids. Teach them there are things we have to do we may not want to and motivate them to take care of themselves and set goals. I was for all practical purposes responsible for the 4 of them including conferencing with their teachers, taking them to the doctor…even when I was too young to drive and had to request a ride for us from the neighbors.
I have been working on the self care and compassion part of parenting for myself that I tried to teach and demonstrate to the 4 kids (half brothers and sisters).
My therapist has pointed out I have the ability to set goals and motivate myself to accomplish those goal. The part I struggle with is the compassion for myself e.g. working very hard on a project but still having a few task to make it complete. Instead of saying, you have worked hard on this let’s take a little break, my self talk says, you have to work harder, there is no reason this isn’t finished by now!!
(Hope that makes sense). Don’t get me wrong, I think that drive is what has helped me survive. However, at this point I feel I need a bit more of that self compassion. It is not easy!
I truly believe the Ketamine has loosed up my defense’s which has allowed me to have some of these horribly uncomfortable feelings. I am very grateful for the Ketamine as I know I need to deal with this grief. With that said, I am finding this one of the biggest challenges I have/am facing.
There is a book entitled: Parent Yourself Again by Yong Kang Chan. It is an easy read. It is a bit cheesy but raises some excellent points. I appreciate the time you took to respond, Rafael!

2 Likes

You are so sweet, Shepherdess. I feel very blessed to have the supportive people on this site. I have asked your question myself many times. Hopefully the Ketamine will help change those trauma connections so we absolutely can begin to kick that crap to the side.

2 Likes

PS. Your site name holds a very close place in my heart. I have 2 beautiful Shetland Sheepdogs. My oldest, Molly is a therapy dog and works in the schools with kids with severe disabilities. She is brilliant and her compassion is unprecedented. My youngest, Gracie is learning to herd sheep. We will see how it goes…she herds everything else not sure why sheep would be a problem. :blush:

2 Likes

Not at all, I am the one who should say thank you, thank you, thank you to you and everyone who has taken the time to correspond with me, this is the most I have talked with people in years, and I mean talk about things that matter, and I love it.

2 Likes

@Deb Aww… I really am shepherdess of a flock of sheep. It’s my second or third job but I spent most of today up to my elbows in fleece. We don’t use herding dogs (I don’t actually need them) but we have a wonderful team of livestock guardian dogs we could not live without. They work around the clock to protect us. In fact one is banging on our sliding door right now. :blush: Dogs teach us what unconditional love looks like. :heart:

1 Like

I think that is wonderful that you really are a Shepherdess! Couldn’t agree with you more about the teaching of dogs. The unconditional love of my pups provides an amazing comfort, especially when times are tough! :paw_prints::revolving_hearts:

1 Like

@Shepherdess, Great Pyrenees, Anatolian Shepherds, or ???. ‘Tis said that a pair of Anatolian Shepherds will bring home dead coyotes like a cat brings home dead mice.

Hahahaha - Our Kit’s mother was apparently that way…always dragging home a dead coyote. Our dogs are confined to the 45 acres around the farmyard and sheep pasture but the local predators (we have every NA apex except grizzlies) know better than to cross that line. We need the coyotes to help keep our varmint population in check so we allow them access to our field.

Our guardian pack consists of an enormous Anatolian/Maremma bitch (our alpha), an Anatolian/Great Pyrenees male, and a Spanish Mastiff male. Our dogs are very loving toward those with good intentions but you definitely would not want to mess with any of them. Thankfully they are excellent judges of character. They have amazing relationships with all the other animals. They are devoted to their work and only ask for love and cookies.

3 Likes

Your dog’s sound like beautiful souls! :paw_prints::paw_prints::paw_prints::revolving_hearts:

1 Like

I can’t speak to your background, but I can address overwhelmed and hypervigilant.

My (former, due to work schedule, her pseudo-retirement, and then 2020) therapist recommended “Able and Equal”, Denton Roberts. His approach was what he called “Human Esteem” (as opposed to Self-Esteem"). “Am I on my side, or on my case?”

His 5 Core Values:
I am capable.
I am powerful.
I am loveable.
I am valuable.
I am equal.
With a footnote, “I deserve to treat myself as well as I treat everyone else.”

For what its worth.

2 Likes

Thank you, Salty. Those are powerful phrases. Definitely worth remembering!