Good news/bad news

Along with the Ketamine my therapist and I are working on somatic experiences. For many, many years, I have held a lot of my trauma in my body while smiling on the outside and continuing to function. Having that much trauma held in my body is/has taken a toll.
The good news I am beginning to feel some of those emotions. The bad news, I beginning to feel some of those emotions.
I am beginning to recognize the emotions and do that self talk that assures myself I am safe, this is my home where the abuse is not allowed, I am not the dependent, vulnerable child any more… although this may not sound like much, this is a big step for me.

What amazes me is how much of the trauma I still hold in my body e.g. tighten muscles waiting to be hit, suddenly vomiting, entire body shaking, racing pulse…at this point the improvement is even being able to recognize all this is going on in my body.
I have to remind myself I can get medical help now if I need it! When I was a kid I was hit so hard at times my head was split, shoulders and knees popped out of joint… unfortunately parents were PTA president, eucharist ministers, pillars of the community so medical attention was not an option without the pretence being discovered. As a result I simply had to stay in hiding until things were healed or I could walk without a limp. It often took me quite a while to pop my joints back in.
I learned to ignore the physical pain as being able to return to school, my refuge was always my goal.

Thank you for listening. I am actually trying to sit with a lot of the emotions right now and struggling…I Appreciate each of you. :revolving_hearts:



I got nothing, compared to that.

When I was little my dad was in college. He had one of those accordion gates on my parents bedroom door so he could keep the door open but have some peace to study. I couldn’t say how many times, but some of my earliest memories are of getting little cuts and blood blisters from getting pinched in it while trying to climb over it (unsuccessfully) and then being put to bed to cry myself to sleep. When my wife and I bought our house, the side door of the garage had one of those accordion gates on it that we used to keep the dog in the yard when the garage was open. After the dog was gone I almost cried with joy when I threw the damned thing away.

A few years ago I was binge watching “Millennium” since my work schedule at the time the show was new conflicted with the show schedule. One of the episodes (The Well-Worn Lock) deals with family sexual abuse. The show ends with one of the episode’s main characters throwing the lock from her bedroom door into a river.

I almost cried again. The catharsis of getting rid of the symbol seemed so liberating. I still have issues that I can trace back to that experience/time in my life, but still, it just Felt So Good to say those 3 little words (“Get Stuffed”, I know, that is only 2, but you get the idea…GFY) to that hated symbol/memory.

One of the things that I think I have learned here, on Osmind, is not to waste those new neural pathways on reinforcing old thought patterns. Easier said than done, but at least now I have the tools. I just have to remember to use them.


@Deb I’m so sorry - but equally glad (?) that you feel safe here and can express these experiences. You are an amazing person to have survived such evil. I personally think if there is a hell (beyond our experiences here) that there should be a special place for those who claim to be virtuous and commit harm.

Sending you whatever strength and healing I can spare! You are loved and safe. :heart::paw_prints::heart:

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@Shepherdess Thank you Shepherdess. I have never felt comfortable enough to share in the past. I am finding it helps to be able to simply state what is going on at the time. Again grateful for this site.


@Shepherdess completely agree with you about the Hell for those who claim virtue but cause harm.:heart:

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"May the Devil double, triple damn them,
Said the afterguard, “Amen”.
The Topman and the Afterguard
(folksong, sea shanty)