Along with the Ketamine my therapist and I are working on somatic experiences. For many, many years, I have held a lot of my trauma in my body while smiling on the outside and continuing to function. Having that much trauma held in my body is/has taken a toll.
The good news I am beginning to feel some of those emotions. The bad news, I beginning to feel some of those emotions.
I am beginning to recognize the emotions and do that self talk that assures myself I am safe, this is my home where the abuse is not allowed, I am not the dependent, vulnerable child any more… although this may not sound like much, this is a big step for me.
What amazes me is how much of the trauma I still hold in my body e.g. tighten muscles waiting to be hit, suddenly vomiting, entire body shaking, racing pulse…at this point the improvement is even being able to recognize all this is going on in my body.
I have to remind myself I can get medical help now if I need it! When I was a kid I was hit so hard at times my head was split, shoulders and knees popped out of joint… unfortunately parents were PTA president, eucharist ministers, pillars of the community so medical attention was not an option without the pretence being discovered. As a result I simply had to stay in hiding until things were healed or I could walk without a limp. It often took me quite a while to pop my joints back in.
I learned to ignore the physical pain as being able to return to school, my refuge was always my goal.
Thank you for listening. I am actually trying to sit with a lot of the emotions right now and struggling…I Appreciate each of you.