Ever Forward is actually a bastardization of an old saying… “always forward”. I cannot remember where I first encountered it, or who riffed on it and I ended up with “Ever Forward”, but it does resonate. You might see it in Latin these two ways: “semper prorsum” or “semper anticus”. I believe the latter is the motto of the 45th Infantry Division and the 45th Infantry Brigade Combat Team. 25 years ago, almost to the day, I got out of the hospital. As I was leaving, a doc that knew me asked me to come talk to him. I wasn’t particularly fond of this doc, but I agreed to sit and talk. We walked into his office and sat down. “You came in through the ER, and are leaving via the front door, of your own volition and able to walk. This isn’t your first visit. If these sa’s (suicide attempts) continue and escalate, which they will… The next one, or the one after that? You will leave when the coroner comes to pick up your corpse. Your children will no longer have a father, and they desperately need one. I beg you, do whatever it takes to fix your life. You have talent and are fiercely hard-working and intelligent. If you need to? Get divorced, get tattoo’s, sell your house and give your wife money to feed your kids. Get on your motorcycle and ride until you feel clear again. I don’t ever want to see you again like this.”
I have not been back to the hospital since. I have abused alcohol, drugs, people, money, myself, and a bunch of other stuff. I may not be suicidal anymore, and I guess that is a slight improvement. I don’t, however, see much point to my life. I turn 55 this week. I have a garage full of motorcycles, money in the bank, and no idea how to enjoy it. I am waiting for my foot to heal from a surgery. I found out that folks that I have known for over 35 years aren’t my best and oldest friends. My parents are dead. I have a daughter with whom I have a lovely, calm, and beautiful relationship. She is getting ready to divorce. My son? Not so much. I have an older sister with whom I have not spoken in many years, and should i have the opportunity, the conversation would be profane and mean. That is it. I had a girlfriend, in name only, for a total of 16 years. The last 5 years? She drank and I slept. There are two kids that I tried to be a pseudo stepdad to. They would not cross the street to flip me the bird.
Pretty much nothing left, save my daughter. Perhaps along with “Ever Forward” I may end up with yet another tattoo… “aliquid ex nihilo” or “Something from Nothing”…
Sorry for the word vomit. I live by myself, and won’t make it out in public today. I don’t have anyone appropriate to talk to. I was down to three friends. One told me that he could not respect me because I was being a doormat to my soon to be ex. So he is donesky. The second? He is gay, and wants to “convert” me. Won’t happen, so he is gone. The third? Just wants me to ride lead on these shitty “epic” motorcycle rides where his narcissism will be on full display. I have done them before, they suck, and I told him so. So the cupboards are bare. I think they will stay that way. I either let folks down, or have to put up with shitty people that embarrass me.
I will see a therapist about couple’s stuff on Monday… That will be nothing more than a big fat “fuck you” fest with my ex. Then I get an infusion. I am hopeful the infusion helps. We shall see.