I thought I had a handle on fear leading to anger. I don’t

I did 4 infusions. I thought I got somewhere. I thought I was truly becoming a more compassionate mindful person. Then I spent the weekend with my soon to be ex girlfriend. She asked me how I would feel about her kissing another guy. I lost it. Instead of telling her I would be crushed, and please don’t hurt me, I got super angry. I felt attacked. I have been unfaithful. And it messes with me that I did it, I cannot fix it, and I don’t really believe anyone really forgives the other person.

Ketamine can’t help me. I am sad, angry and broken. I was an idiot to think that I could actually evolve. I did the same thing I always do. Got scared, lashed out.

And today is my first Mother’s Day without my mom. I hate today. I hate myself. I hate the hurt I have caused people. I have zero ideas how to “fix” anything. I really wish I did not exist. I don’t wanna run down the path of hurting myself, but god damn… I just wanna feel ok. I cannot imagine being “ok” right now. “Hope” dried up and blew away, and it is MY FAULT.

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I am about to start ketamine for the first time next week. The place I will be going to says the best treatment is 6 infusions over the course of two weeks. Don’t stop when you feel results, the six are necessary to have enough in your system for you to be able to combat the negative-focused mental health. Try to hang in.

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I will do the full program… and thanks for the motivation. I just feel super stuck today. And please don’t let my drama discourage you at the beginning of YOUR journey. I hope that you get wonderful things from it.

Allowing yourself to be open and honest will never deter me. Might sound strange but it helps when someone is willing to share the dark side of life. Glad to hear you will do the whole program, I hear the experience can be a roller coaster at first.

Next infusion is tomorrow. Will hope for the best for myself, and hope that your beginning gives you hope and that you don’t ride the same rollercoaster as I feel like I am riding. Ever forward.

‘Ever Forward.’ I like that. Reminds me of what I was told once. Doesn’t matter how many times life has knocked you down. The only thing that matters is if you get back up.

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What I found was that ketamine treatment will never be an end all be all. I was experiencing severe depression that was partly fueled by unrequited love. I was hoping to be completely numb to it, but didn’t get there. But I do feel it was shaved off a little bit, though.

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Ever Forward is actually a bastardization of an old saying… “always forward”. I cannot remember where I first encountered it, or who riffed on it and I ended up with “Ever Forward”, but it does resonate. You might see it in Latin these two ways: “semper prorsum” or “semper anticus”. I believe the latter is the motto of the 45th Infantry Division and the 45th Infantry Brigade Combat Team. 25 years ago, almost to the day, I got out of the hospital. As I was leaving, a doc that knew me asked me to come talk to him. I wasn’t particularly fond of this doc, but I agreed to sit and talk. We walked into his office and sat down. “You came in through the ER, and are leaving via the front door, of your own volition and able to walk. This isn’t your first visit. If these sa’s (suicide attempts) continue and escalate, which they will… The next one, or the one after that? You will leave when the coroner comes to pick up your corpse. Your children will no longer have a father, and they desperately need one. I beg you, do whatever it takes to fix your life. You have talent and are fiercely hard-working and intelligent. If you need to? Get divorced, get tattoo’s, sell your house and give your wife money to feed your kids. Get on your motorcycle and ride until you feel clear again. I don’t ever want to see you again like this.”

I have not been back to the hospital since. I have abused alcohol, drugs, people, money, myself, and a bunch of other stuff. I may not be suicidal anymore, and I guess that is a slight improvement. I don’t, however, see much point to my life. I turn 55 this week. I have a garage full of motorcycles, money in the bank, and no idea how to enjoy it. I am waiting for my foot to heal from a surgery. I found out that folks that I have known for over 35 years aren’t my best and oldest friends. My parents are dead. I have a daughter with whom I have a lovely, calm, and beautiful relationship. She is getting ready to divorce. My son? Not so much. I have an older sister with whom I have not spoken in many years, and should i have the opportunity, the conversation would be profane and mean. That is it. I had a girlfriend, in name only, for a total of 16 years. The last 5 years? She drank and I slept. There are two kids that I tried to be a pseudo stepdad to. They would not cross the street to flip me the bird.
Pretty much nothing left, save my daughter. Perhaps along with “Ever Forward” I may end up with yet another tattoo… “aliquid ex nihilo” or “Something from Nothing”…

Sorry for the word vomit. I live by myself, and won’t make it out in public today. I don’t have anyone appropriate to talk to. I was down to three friends. One told me that he could not respect me because I was being a doormat to my soon to be ex. So he is donesky. The second? He is gay, and wants to “convert” me. Won’t happen, so he is gone. The third? Just wants me to ride lead on these shitty “epic” motorcycle rides where his narcissism will be on full display. I have done them before, they suck, and I told him so. So the cupboards are bare. I think they will stay that way. I either let folks down, or have to put up with shitty people that embarrass me.
I will see a therapist about couple’s stuff on Monday… That will be nothing more than a big fat “fuck you” fest with my ex. Then I get an infusion. I am hopeful the infusion helps. We shall see.

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Thank you for confiding in me. When I have a little more time, today I hope, I can give you a little background as to where I stand these days. I won’t pretend to offer hope with only words. All I can say is there is more to the struggle, the strife, the living hell than what we can now see. I truly believe that.

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Your posts have touched my heart. Without going into a lot of detail and honestly having a different set of life circumstances, I relate to your desperate feeling. I am so happy you are continuing to push forward despite the pain you are in. I hope the infusion helps tomorrow and you get some relief.
Take care.

Thanks for the kind words. I could really use a real friend to rap with about all this, but that ain’t happening. Having said that? I appreciate y’all letting me air out my heart. You have all been kind. For that I am incredibly thankful.

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Gostaz, as I said once in a past post, welcome to the only online forum I know of where all of the participants are by definition dysfunctional except the moderators and a couple of medical students, but I’m not sure about them either.

You’re down. We’ve all been there and we get it. As hard as it may seem sometimes, try to be kind to yourself. I have the same tendency to come down hard on myself when I don’t meet my own standards (which are probably entirely unrealistic in the first place). After about ten infusions, it’s my observation that ketamine will not “fix” you or anyone else. What it may do, if you are open to it, is allow you to view yourself from a more detached, and therefore objective perspective. When you go in for your infusion, that may be a kind of mantra you can use - “I am worthy of loving and being loved.” Best wishes to you, bro. I am 67 years old, and have tried to deal with this for 50 years, so I get it.

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Thanks, sojourner! I appreciate the empathy and the idea of a mantra!

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Sorry time did not work out today for a reciprocal reply. But your posts indicate you may be a voracious reader, so may I suggest one that provoked a paradigm shift in the so-called ‘diagnoses’ of mental health? (Also, gave me insight into my issues with a clarity I had previously never found before.). ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ by Bessel van der Kolk. This is an eye-opener in so many ways.

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I will definitely check it out! With super profound ADD, I go through phases… from music, lots of it on infinite loop, to reading, to talking to folks on the web, to working on bikes, to trying to learn music, and on and on… it seems like after ketamine infusion, I get a day where I will stop and read or my version of meditation. I will do this until I fall asleep for a few hours…when I wake up, I want something new… The book sounds very interesting… my most profound paradigm shift came when I found an amazing CMT. She also happened to be intensely spiritual and empathetic. In her online presence, she openly shared that she was in active recovery. She bent my head in very new ways… I love books, no doubt, but person to person interaction is where I find the most fertile ideas…

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This is one that I suggest you take notes from while you read, with a notebook specific to this book to help with that lovely attention span that only seems attracted to negativity. Wow, is that a run-on sentence or what? I’m with you, man.

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Reading the Body keeps the score made a huge difference in my perspective!

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How excited am I that I have another reader! Oh, the convos we need to have!

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Read constantly!

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Today was a pretty “ok” day. It is nice here in the mid-Atlantic region. I got outside, I set intentions for the day, and made most of them as a result of organized effort.

I had couples therapy. It was real, it was hard, it was honest. And it was ok. My SO is a pretty amazing person. She isn’t perfect, nor am I. We worked with a cool therapist with whom I am starting to form a connection and slowly beginning to trust. I don’t really “like” therapy… because I have done some shitty things to a decent person. And I don’t have any excuses for what I did. It hurt someone that I care for. I was hurt in ways that are hard to understand. But we talked about things in a safe place, and came up with new strategies and boundaries. So, whilst it sucks to confront my fuck-ups? I feel like I did it in an honest fashion, and tried to listen to good guidance from the therapist and real feedback from my SO. I got work to do, but I feel like I have help to break it down so that I can focus and have some success.
I went for my infusion. I listened to tantric flute music… oh my damn was it intense. In a good way. The only downside was I broke a personal rule and had a drink with a late dinner afterwards. Not the end of the world. The doc that runs the clinic is awesome. I had a list of questions and ideas, and he took the time to come in and talk to me about ALL of them. He added things he thought would be helpful. I really like him. I feel like I trust him. I DO NOT give trust to folks easily, but I feel like he has earned it. The other staff have been friendly, encouraging, and chill. Their demeanor makes it easy to have the space and time to dive into the infusion and the associated experience that comes.
I will still struggle on Mother’s Day. My mom passed last year. I miss her. But she was losing a battle with dementia and age. Bless her heart, she lived well and loved her family in a way that left no doubts. Rest In Peace, Mom! I love you fiercely and was blessed for 54 years to have you in my life. Thanks!
My SO and I? Too early to tell… we have work to do. We might make it, we might not. I hope no matter which way we end up? We have no regrets. I was loved, learned A LOT, had a stupid amount of fun, and yeah, I fucked up more than a few times. No one is perfect, but I count myself lucky for having had her in my life, even if she give me the heave-ho. Right now, I am thinking if that happens, I am probably not interested in a replacement. Who knows? Not me.

Thanks for y’all’s kindness and support.

Ever fucking forward…

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