I wasn’t prepared

I had my treatment, the full 6 sessions, about 2 months ago and I honestly wasn’t prepared for the emotions I’m going through. The recovery from my Major Depressive Disorder was so rapid. My onset was at age 10 but I wasn’t given an actual diagnosis until I was 19. I’m 50 now. I’m thinking more clearly but get so scared when I feel a little down. The person looking at me in the mirror for so many years stared with dead eyes. I find myself checking the mirror constantly now to see if there’s still life in my eyes. I’m having increased anxiety and anger. Anger that I had to live that way all those years. Angry about my childhood trauma. Angry at the universe. My therapist keeps reminding me that emotions are normal. I’ve only had sadness for so long. This feels foreign to me. Im so grateful that my depression is manageable now and some days not even present which is a miracle in itself, but I wish someone had prepared me for the drastic changes that im experiencing.

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I heard that. I’m not sure anyone could prepare me for what happened/happens with ketamine. I thought I had been doing pretty good, but this winter has been a tough one. I still get angry with the awareness that is following clarity. But I am also getting to where I am beginning to see some hope for solutions as well.

I’m getting to where I can slow down a bit and admire the sunrise, even when my overall daily outlook is a bit down.

Hang in there! Be strong!

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I’m glad to hear the depression piece has been alleviated for you. I have definitely found myself feeling a wider range of emotions in the wake of my own ketamine experiences. I think also there’s a degree of typical + rational anger with the universe that comes with A) living on Earth today and B) having lived with TRD for that many years. It’s very frustrating for me to consider that I went 23 years between my diagnosis (age 6) and my first effective treatment (age 29), and that the data existed to show that psychedelics would be hugely helpful to me, but that doctors weren’t allowed to prescribe it and information about it was intentionally suppressed in my country (The USA). Anger at the system that stands between TRD patients and their best chance at survival is very understandable, IMO.

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The old adage “one day at a time” is helpful. We are close in age, and whilst my diag was about 10 years after yours, it’s a label and a life I lived for a long time. Take good care of yourself EVERY day. And be grateful for the help you found. Ever forward, friend!

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I was lucky to be warned by my referring psych that treatment could be a very difficult time emotionally. She warned me that not everyone even finishes treatment because dealing with the emotional upheaval can be too painful.

That being said…while I do strongly feel (no irony intended) that there does need to be more realistic warnings like that given prior to treatment - I’m not sure anyone can truly prepare you for what it feels like to have the emotional and logical hemispheres of your brain reconnect. Someone described depression as “emotional constipation”. Well…I guess ketamine is pretty much an emotional enema! Sorry if that crude metaphor offends anyone.

Yes, feeling emotions is raw, painful, frustrating - all the feels. And yeah, apparently this is what “normal” people experience! Although I really think it’s a lot more intense adjusting to a new normal.

I hear you on the anger. I definitely am working through those issues. Especially at figuring out how to not let it pull me back down when the sources of my anger are still people I have to deal with in life. But in my opinion it’s healthier for me to be angry than numb. I’m working to let it go and redirect it without accidentally venting it on anyone who does not deserve it.

Best wishes on your journey discovering your new you. :heart:

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Thank y’all for hearing me. There isn’t even another person in my town who’s heard of ketamine infusions. This forum is it for me. My therapist had to look it up. My family doctor was excited for me and is looking into it for his clinic, but otherwise there’s no one who gets it. I’m an expert at hiding my pain and depression. I don’t let people get close enough to see how deep it goes. My family gets too see everything. I’ve been raging for two days. Just angry with everything. Not directed at anyone. Just the world around me. I’m too mad at what I was to enjoy what I’ve become. Does that even make sense? My abuser is dead, no resolve there. My siblings are dead as a result of our childhood. My Mother is gone, my maternal grandmother who helped raise us, gone. I don’t have anyone left who shares this trauma. I had a therapist tell me that I had the worst childhood she’d heard in her career as a therapist. I did not need to hear that. That’s lonely and it made me not want to tell my story. It was so hard to tell any of it in the first place. Sorry this is so much. Here I am awake at 3am again crying.

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3AM? Good morning, sunshine! That’s when my alarm goes off.

This is intended to provide some lighthearted support, not to minimize anyone’s journey…

I dearly love The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy…Marvin (the paranoid android): “The first 10 million years,they were the worst. The second 10 million, they were the worst, too. After that I went into a bit of a decline.”

Hey,we still have us!

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I think the experience is different for all of us as we come out of extremely severe depression. Good for you for doing the hard work! We should’ve told you that this is not easy! Ketamine makes you deal with stuff. Again that is a good thing but it can be painful.

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Personally, I am sick to death of having to deal with Vogons.

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@CarlyQ - it’s funny how sometimes it’s easier to cope until someone sympathizes with you. Like when they agree that things are or were terrible it suddenly makes it real or something.

If you’re looking for company - I won’t betray any confidences by naming names but suffice it to say that although this is not a “worst childhood” competition - you’re in very good company here. I hope that gives you comfort. You are NOT alone - not alone in going through treatment, not alone in having suffered, and not alone in fighting for a happier future. We may be scattered around the country but we’re here. And so are you, thank goodness!

You can do this. This is just a stage. You’re entitled to feel the way you feel. Get it out of your system so you can eventually shuck it off like the nasty old scab it is and move on to your new self. :heart:

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@CarlyQ As @Shepherdess said I am not saying this is a competition however, my story is strikingly similar to yours…I lost my dad at 11 months old and essentially was alone ever since. I have also lost both my sister’s due to their coping skills regarding the trauma (both younger). I have had two therapist make the worst case of trauma in their career statement and I am struggling right now with severe grieving as the Ketamine is finally allowing the bombardment of feelings to come to the surface. I have spent many years in a numb state in order to survive and function on a daily basis. It is incredibly hard to experience these feeling and similar to you, I have emotions surfacing that I cannot always define the immediate reason. I can be at work in a room of 10 people and feel very isolated and alone. Historically, in an attempt to cope or deal with the emotions or who knows why, I often minimized the the effects of the many years and years of trauma. For what it is worth, the statements my two therapist made about worst case of trauma they worked with actually helped me to acknowledge the severity of the trauma I experienced and even helped to validate these horrific emotions being brought up through the work of the Ketamine. Please know even when it feels like it, you’re not alone. There are many folks on this site that understand and are here to help support you. I wish you the very best. Take care, friend. .

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Recently watched a documentary with Kevin Hines, who, at 19, attempted off the Golden Gate Bridge and survived.

His motto is “be here tomorrow.” For some reason that resonates more with me, whereas taking things one day at a time feels like a big weight. Just wanted to share in case it helps anyone.

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"be here tomorrow’

This brought me in off the ledge.

I can’t say “Thank you” enough times.

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I found solace and encouragement and even coping skills in those words. Something that each of you shared resonated with me. I appreciate your sharing with me so much more than I can say. It helps to hear how others have dealt or found a way to let it go. I remind myself that I’m like the phoenix. No matter how hard I get knocked down, I always get back up. I’m broken, but not defeated. I just needed reminding. :heart:

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My earlier post was heartfelt and serious, also on the coming down side of a troche.

I have been between the rock and hard place. Can’t say why, don’t know why, but this winter has been harder than any in recent memory. Maybe the toughest ever. I can’t say when I had a harder fight with Seasonal Affective Disorder. Last night (don’t tell my provider) I finally doubled up on my troches (200mg, so 400) for my bedtime dose, also only 1 day after a single full dose (breaking 2 rules). I finally had a good day, for the first time in a long time. I contacted my provider about dosage. Looks like my next clinic session will be a series of 4 IM (as opposed to my history of 3). My dose is as high as it goes for my weight, so they won’t increase dose, but they will increase the time at that dose. And Spring is coming. Longer days. Yay!

And I will repeat…Thank You for “Be here tomorrow.”

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So glad to hear you had some relief @salty. :heart:

Had a booster yesterday myself - badly needed and now that I no longer have any tolerance (3 months since last booster) it was pretty strong. But I have to say maybe that heavy dose was what was needed - feel better today than in ages. Here’s hoping you continue to improve through this very challenging time of year. :heart:

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Well said!

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Go deep! Big hugs!

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@Shepherdess So happy to hear the booster has helped. Here’s praying the feeling is sustained for as long as possible. Big Hugs!

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Booked myself an IM booster after reading the thread. Troches are nice but am finding that the lower intensity / lack of a “rocket ship” feeling is giving me too much time to think my way out of the psychedelic portion of the experience. Hoping the injection is going to help more and for longer, as my troches are not helping my mood for the full 2 weeks between doses (and the IM jabs did.

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