Let’s talk about suicide

https://www.reddit.com/r/HumansBeingBros/comments/oyv8nl/hope_this_hits_the_ones_who_need_it/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Up to this point I haven’t been able to figure out what compelled me to try to kill myself in the past and how that idea doesn’t make make any sense in my head now.
I am still depressed, and life is hard to keep on but suicide doesn’t look like a solution to anything anymore.
Interesting enough, I always felt that during my attempt, I did kill a part of “me” that was very negative and was completely lost. I also lost the fear of dying, I look at it as a blessing from God when he decides we have suffered enough and we deserve to Rest In Peace because it is his will no ours.

5 Likes

It wasn’t long ago that even using the word “suicide” in a post would automatically get it flagged and removed. I think it beneficial that an honest dialogue can now take place. Goodonya, mods. :+1:t2:

3 Likes

Agreed. It’s important to be responsible and caring with the subject, but, I didn’t see anything negative in the original post.

3 Likes

I feel like this is a safe space to talk about the things we struggle discussing face to face, it is definitively easier for me to write about it than to talk about it and it gives me the same relief, maybe more because I am not reading into anyone’s body language and the awkward silence.
My point was not to discuss how I did it and how others tried and what methods. I don’t think that’s relevant at all, I am more interested in the before and after.

2 Likes

Did you guys get to watch the short video? He said there it is about what comes after, how we made it out and how we can share thoughts and emotions to help others not go the same route, because they are so many other options, in fact; during the time of my struggle that almost ended my life I didn’t have anyone to talk with, if at that time I was someone part of this group, I am sure you all guidance would have taken me to a better place.

4 Likes

I also feel that those of us that have tried to kill themselves need to get comfortable participating in a conversation about the topic, instead of avoiding the bad memories like the whole thing never happened. That moment changed me and I am sure it has changed all of you. Some of us are still lingering with the dark aspects of it as well as the bright and enlightening portions of it that granted us conscience about mortality and the meaning and purpose of being alive.

2 Likes

Your post required some education on my part. Thank you for teaching something new today.

2 Likes

It’s just such a complicated subject. Suicidal ideation is something many of us have struggled with for a long time. Some in our community have lost family to suicide. It may just be too painful to discuss.

Relief from SI is definitely a benefit of treatment I am grateful to experience. Although thankfully I have not attempted since childhood (and have zero intention of ever following through ) it has always been something my traumatized brain wants to suggest when stress becomes unbearable. It’s just torturous and NOT helpful when you’re doing your best to work through a challenging time. Relief from that… what a blessing.

So here’s hoping you look back someday and find it hard to believe you every felt that way - let alone needed to act upon it.

4 Likes

Nicely said my friend!

1 Like

I will take a look as soon as I have a little more focus. I feel a bit disorientated right now.

1 Like

Definitely a subject to look into. Such a dark place to end up. It does need to be talked about

1 Like

Exactly the way I feel, at least about where my journey has taken me; once I started acknowledging what happened and how I got there it was easier for me to deal with it, and make it into a more manageable topic for me, my family and friends, they also wanted to know how to recognize more effectively my attempts to get help, my cry out signals so they wouldn’t dismiss them as part of another of my lows.
The day before I tried to kill my self, I worked 8 hours, put a frame of stability like I am sure we all do (at least those mixing with the rest of an oblivious society), went to the store and sent my kids to a water park with my ex and some of their friends. No one knew what was about to happen, BUT I texted two close friends to thank them for always being so kind to me and that triggered a suspicion on them that lead to finding me later on. Part of me didn’t want to die and subconsciously I alerted them. Now that I look back I am glad I didn’t pass because they would have felt so guilty about missing my clues.
They were able to find my ex (still married at the time) and that lead to her famous frase: “I wish I didn’t make it on time so I can find him dead and get the insurance money”.
Double WOW! Julia Roberts in sleeping with the enemy got it easy compared to me. LOL. Anyway, that bitch on a slip of the tongue let everyone know who she really was and her true feelings for me. Some friends got to say: “can you blame him”. Anyhow, she ended up doing the best thing that have ever happened in my life in her attempt to fucked me until the end, her malicious intentions ended up helping me with the formal acceptance of my depression (meaning, I wasn’t going back to being a normal healthy minded man, I was a man with depression and that was that), (no more I won’t take my pils because I can beat this on my own, I am really not depressed just stressed out by her, WRONG). she wanted me committed to a mental institution so she convinced the Psychiatrist from the hospital -who has already cleared me to go home with new meds- to put me out so she can declared me mentally incompetent. I was taken to a mental institution by two policemen at 2:30 in the morning wearing just a hospital gown with yellow hospital socks and my ass enjoying the morning breeze.
The two weeks in that institution were the best two weeks of my life, I didn’t have to make a single decision, nothing, I-the control freak- just wanted to be told what to do so I could do it, that simple.
I enjoyed the rest of the patients with me, we made jokes about hearing voices and, I don’t think I ever laughed so freely in my life or felt comfortable around my own species. Great memories that shaped my thoughts beautifully, and to think of what brought me there was my almost departure from this earth. Darkness turned into brightness.

2 Likes

Wow. That’s quite a story, and so radically different from my own.

1 Like

Please do tell, if you feel comfortable of course.

There’s not much to tell, Rafael, and in any case I’m not as eloquent as you are. :wink:

I’ve been dealing with this for nearly my entire life - acting out as a kid, self harm and the first suicide attempt in my late teens, although I’m not sure that I realized it at the time. About 25 years ago it all came to a head…too many (prescribed) drugs, and finally a 3-day stint in the hospital (voluntary). My reaction to that was the opposite of yours. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out, so I just told them what they wanted to hear so I could get out the door. There were 2 suicide attempts within the year or two afterwards, but I told no one anything. I just did it, and these were not demonstration attempts. I really shouldn’t be here, to be truthful. To this day, no one but me knows exactly what happened on those occasions, or even that anything happened at all.

Anyway, about 3 years ago the beast raised its ugly head again and I knew that I had to do something, since antidepressants didn’t work for me. Somewhere, I heard about low-dose ketamine infusion therapy so I applied and was accepted. It helped -a lot- but it’s been way too long since my last infusion now. Probably the week after next, or at least I hope I can put that together.

4 Likes

Thank you for telling me your story. You have definitively been through a lot, but the fact you haven’t stopped trying to get better is really inspiring. I didn’t know about Ketamine infusions until I made an inquiry about TMS which based on current research and outcomes seem to be infalible, although two more things could come after if that doesn’t work: electroshock therapy and an implanted device to stimulate the vagus nerve.
You got this sojourner, thank you again for allow me to share your story and by the way, English is not my native language, I have just happened to be too academic for my own good, but thank you for the “eloquent” comment, that makes me feel happy.

2 Likes

You really need to put it together! Do not hesitate. You do what you have to do to make that happen Sojourner.

Like you I have struggled my entire life. As a small child I remember thinking if this or that would ever happen I could just end it and I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I made some passive attempts as a teenager. I would do things in excess and hope I would not wake up. I always woke up and no one knew. In my late teens and early 20’s I started seriously self medicating and that is when I developed a bit of a drinking problem. I got real good at it. After I met my wife and we got married she said she was concerned about my drinking so the I got good at covering up exactly how much I was actually drinking. After a few years of marriage my wife convinced me to get some help from a mental care provider. He diagnosed me with being bipolar. That began my life of prescription meds and alcohol. My wife became aware of my struggles and over the years finally urged me to see a counselor. It was decided I had ADHD, depression and anxiety. The first time I let her know I was thinking about killing myself. The only reason I said anything was because I was with my daughter and I didn’t want to leave them. Started seeing a new dr and councilor. Treated for depression and anxiety. I loved my benzos and alcohol. I successfully medicated with that and antidepressant. About 2 years ago my drinking and drug use got so bad and my behavior was out of character, (that is an entirely separate story). One day one of my behaviors was discovered and I had a few drinks that lead me to taking a bottle of benzos and going to bead. Probably the only reason I’m still here is because after I went to bead I texted my daughters and told them I loved them very much. I also texted my wife and instead of saying good night like I did to my daughters I said good bye. My loving wife picked up on that. After being confronted by my wife and my daughters, who where hysterical I fessed up to what I did. They drove me to the hospital and a spent 2 days. I was released because I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want to get better. A few days later I called the suicide hot line and ended up calling my wife explaining everything. I spent another 3 days in the psych ward. Released with good intentions. Went through bezo, antidepressant and alcohol withdrawal while attending a 6 week virtual treatment program.

I have been alcohol and drug free since but experienced severe depression. When I got so depressed I was afraid I would make a snap decision and end it. I told my family. Of course they knew but I was beyond letting someone help me until then.

My daughter told me and my wife about ketamine infusions and here I am. I feel grateful to my beautiful family for getting me the treatment I need.

I hope to never go back to that ugly place ever again.

That’s the short story on how I got here today.

4 Likes

Rafael, that’s brutal! I’m glad you are here my friend. You have survived some pretty severe situations and you are coming out of this stronger and enlightened! You should be proud of your progress. We need to keep on the path. All of us. We have been to the dark side and we are on our way back. The best thing we can do is help educate and when we see someone in trouble do what we can to help.

2 Likes

Kevin, thank you for sharing your story as well. I love your family for sticking with you, they certainly love you so much. I am happy for you my friend.
Your story made me think that for the longest time I though I was the only person in the world going through some tough shit silently, not anymore. I don’t feel alone in that respect, you guys have shown me that it could always be worse, we have survived ourselves, that frase of people being their worse enemies is so true, no one knows us better than us, we know what makes us hurt and we punish us like we intentionally had chosen to be depressed, anxious or anti-socials.
We got this, we are choosing to tame our minds to allow us to live with it, we are never going to be normal, and that’s fine, we just need to work a little harder than others, those with a simple mind or those free of trauma. I have embraced being super complicated, grumpy most of the time, and plain weird, I rather that than being a simple man that goes through life without a single relevant though about the purpose of living.

1 Like

Just as an FYI - my therapist is no fan of ECT. She made it very clear that she did not recommend it.

1 Like