My son’s mom passed away a week and a half ago, She died in a car accident She was an addict and hasn’t been in his life for about 10 1/2 years. I’ve had full custody of him and he is 16 now. I broke down crying when I heard the news. Not for her, but for him. She moved to NC about 6 years ago. We are in Virginia. She maybe saw him an average of 1-3 times a year. That’s because my wife traveled for work so we would take him in the summer time. She made no effort to really have any kind of meaningful relationship with him. She didn’t pay child support, was in and out of rehab, didn’t really call that often, rarely got him Christmas or birthday presents or cards, and would tell him inappropriate things. She told him she had a couple abortions. She also told him that she wanted to have a kid with this guy she liked. She said this to the son she doesn’t take care of.
Anyway, I’ve been kind of balling my eyes out on occasion because I was always hoping she would get her shit together and they could have some kind of relationship when he grew up. Obviously that can’t happen. I feel like she abandoned us all over again. I’m left trying to pick up the pieces again except he’s not 6, he’s 16 now. I’ve realized to survive and to be able to take care of my son, that I buried all of these feelings or resentment. I didn’t argue with her or force her to have a relationship because she made it clear that recovery was her priority. I knew she was fragile and I didn’t want her to
Relapse so I just kept on trucking and self medicated with alcohol until a few years ago when I started working on myself. I have all of these feelings pouring out that I guess were always there. I don’t know how to handle them. I’m getting an infusion today. I’ve done talk therapy, but I don’t know what the outcome of that should be. I feel like there should be more structure and homework, but the few therapists I’ve seen just don’t seem to help. My wife thinks it makes it worse because it dredges up the past. I’ve recently been doing hypnotherapy which I guess has helped me feel repressed emotions I held in. Right now I feel like my anxiety is through the roof. Chest pains, panic attacks, crying. I feel like Robert Deniro on Analyze This. I know I’m depressed too. It’s hard to get out of bed, most times I don’t. Has anyone had a similar situation? How did you handle it? Any advice is welcome. I’m struggling. I was struggling really bad the week prior to her passing. I’m so worried about my son, along with everything else. It’s just too much.