Oh, I found my world view, who knew…

I had my 5th Ketamine infusion today, and as I was traveling through my wonderful broken mind, I came into the realization that I am tired of being always the nice guy, always putting the other cheek so a desperate soul can impact it with his/ her misery.
There are people that even after removing the Depression and the Anxiety from them, they still remain fucking assholes.
It takes a lot of my energy; energy, that I don’t have to begin with, for me to be politically correct, nice and deeply kind all the time in order to make my nanny proud, BUT I DO IT, because I want to be part of a civilized society, when instead I want to say exactly the first thought that crosses my mind and get it over with.
It doesn’t matter how many masters, PHDs and books you have read, you are still DEPRESSED and ANXIOUS and the energy that YOU should be investing on healing your mind FOR REAL and not hypothetically, gets spontaneously divert it and dispose of on others to make them feel academically inappropriate (while at the same time being condescendingly and categorically described as “a smart guy”) for NOT having THE depression bible stuck up his ass in order to speak properly about DEPRESSION.

Rafael, I am intrigued by what you are saying here. But I’m not quite sure I get it. I think you are saying that you are ready to give up “people pleasing” as a practice and ready to be more authentic in your interactions? Did I get that right?

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You do you, @Rafael! :blush:

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I get it man, you’re having a rough day it sounds like. Go with it and tomorrow is a brand new day you ass hole. :joy:

Hang in there Rafael!

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@ellamommy, consider most of my post an unjustified act of rage towards a group of people here than have done nothing than support me since I joined Osmind. The aftermath of my 5th infusion was just plain anger, I am angry for every darn thing that have ever happened to me, and I am angry for being depressed for the rest of my life because of it. That simple. I have done everything in my power to help myself and I accidentally hit the anger switch towards comments that were initially were well received by my brain, for later and through a unreasonable process of overthinking, they didn’t resonate with me anymore.
I do contain my anger because I don’t want to be defined by it, but I think after that infusion I realized my depression is there to keep a lid on that anger. My brain has depressed itself trying to keep me from escalating. I don’t know, I have researched that, and I am not planning to, what for?, to be sure of it and not be able to do anything about anyway?.
I am just really tired. I am sorry for offending some people here but thank you for still being nice in your reaction. You have proven to be a better person than me after all.
Depression sucks.

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And to be clear about my experience so far with Ketamine, I still feel this is the best treatment option for me right now, I was I little bummed out that up to my 4th infusion I felt like I was on a carnival parade with a candy in my mouth and a bucket full of candy throwing them to people around me, (I felt happy and I wanted to share that happiness with the rest of the world), but by my 5th infusion, I ran out of candy and shit got real, it was time to really see what was causing my depression and I left that office with a load of thoughts in my head, unresolved issues that I kept putting away. This coming Monday is my last infusion and I wish they can get me loaded this time because I feel I am close to solve my unsolved mind mystery.

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Dude, you come so far now. The fact you are having these realizations and you don’t want to drink yourself into a coma is amazing! Give yourself some credit. You’re going to have the occasional toilet day and the occasional days you feel like celebrating life. That’s as normal as normal gets from what I can see. Keep doing you and hang tough my friend

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Rafael, after reading this a couple of times, there seems little question as to where it’s directed. I do apologize if I was perceived sa being condescending. You asked that something be explained, I did my best to do so from where I’m at. If you have a problem with that, I’m afraid that it is just that - your problem.

I’ll not take the risk of offending you again. Be well.

@Sojourner, maybe try to read it a couple of more times. Of course it is my problem, that is exactly what I said. I wasn’t trying to blame anyone about the way my brain reacts to comments, criticism, whispering, etc. That’s what my brain does to me, it turns me into Carrie and burn down everything around me. Please don’t take this personally, your comments as well as @Shepherdess are very valuable. I am glad there is a lot of people here that have studied depression to death, I haven’t, I have no intentions of trying to justify my emotions via documented rationale. It won’t help. I rather take a walk and think about the many ways i can realistically improve my situation. Unfortunately the world doesn’t revolve around me, or you, or any one here for that matter. I wish you well too.

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Rafael, I have been dealing with this bullshit for over 50 years. You tend to learn things over that kind of a time frame.

If I’m walking down the road, and I don’t call back, “Hey! There’s a big hole here!” then I’m the @sshole. If I call back and somebody chooses to fall into it anyway, then that’s their choice. I can offer what I’ve learned to my fellow travelers on this twisted path, or not. And if I do, then it’s their right to determine whether my experience has any relevance to their life or not.

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@Rafael No worries - you said right off the bat that you had just come off an infusion. We’re all in a strange place afterward dealing with a lot of emotion. You have every right to be ANGRY at all the uncalled for pain and suffering that has been inflicted upon you. Anger/pain…what’s the difference? People in pain LASH OUT.

I responded with “you do you” because you’re working through things - and if it helps your process to lash out at me, well so be it! You’re not going to hurt me - it just makes me sad for what you’re going through. As a fellow sufferer of child abuse of multiple flavors - I know pain, anger, fear, vulnerability, worthlessness, being unsafe from your predators no matter where the location… all that shit. It’s horrendously painful to be forced to feel those emotions again. I get it. It sucks.

Yep, we’re all walking our own path. Whatever helps you along the way - awesome. Hang in there. :heart:

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…and if I come off as condescending…well, for the record it’s never what I would intend as I certainly do not feel superior in any way to anyone here. It’s just how I am - I’m probably mildly spectrum or else it’s just the end product of having only a horse to talk to while growing up!

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@Shepherdess you are certainly smarter than @Sojourner, you are trying to defuse a situation and your counterpart is throwing gas at it.
I am hurting and I am sorry, my wound is wide open right now, and here I am looking for people to hurt me some more, I am that numb (dumb as well).
I am sure that horse loved you (I am not being sarcastic). I had a little champagne cocker spaniel listening to my crap as well, it is funny now to think it died -from what I think was a blood clog- (because she who a named Romeo, a He), started running inside the house and literally bouncing her head against every wall until it dropped dead. My dad said at the moment, “she killed herself”, and I said: because of me, and he just looked at me without saying a word. Of course I though it was my fault, she had enough.
Sorry , I lost my train of thought.
Anyway, I am chilled out now. My dear friend @Kevin, kept me from running in circles with his extremely grounded way of understanding other people’s pain regardless of how they dressed them.
@Sojourner, you might think I am 17 years old, I am a 53 years old grumpy ass. Nice to meet you.

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I’m done. Goodbye.

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Lol, I’m 54. We’re from the same generation!

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You’re great. Don’t worry about a thing. We’re all less than perfect and the most perfect people I know are messed the f up

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That’s terribly sad Rafael

You can’t just tap out like that. Come on

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I haven’t been on here in a few days, so I had to go back and find the comments leading up to this thread. I must say I didn’t get the feeling that anyone was trying to offend anybody else. I believe this is a prime example of why we are here in the first place. We let our emotions dictate the communications that we received. I’ve been told by my therapist that I come off as a know it all and it pissed me off because I knew she was wrong😏lol. I think if I know something I like to share my knowledge and or experience to help others. It makes me feel like I’m relevant. I also have been accused of reading into comments and turning them into something negative. Communicating seems simple but turns out to be very complex. It’s a two way street that sometimes one lane veers off from the other and the one doesn’t take you to the end of the street from which the other lane come from. Our emotions can cause every lane to veer and it’s our own ability that we have to use to navigate to the right end of the street. I think I’ve said this before on here and that is no matter what good or bad is said or done to you it is up to you as to how you respond to it. You have the ability to choose to be negative or positive in your response. I do believe that this platform has a 99.99999 percent positive response ratio from one member to the other and we need that. Please, let’s not turn this into one of those idiotic social media type platforms. Me personally I need this safe space.

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@Ant Well said. We’re all here because we’re broken and trying to heal. And maybe even help each other along the way. I need this safe space to be safe as well. That doesn’t mean that I expect people to police their thoughts or feelings for my benefit, but hopefully we can all treat one another with a bit of grace and compassion.

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