Ranting and Raving

It isn’t my intent to piss anyone off. The rest of the world is all too happy to do that for me.

To start, I am a Grinch/Scrooge. I absolutely despise Xmess. A large part of that is Seasonal Affective Disorder. On top of that, it baffles me that we, as a culture, will go far enough into debt to buy gifts that we will still be paying for this time next year, to celebrate the birth of a man who owned nothing but the clothes on his back.

Going into (OK, almost done) this season, I am getting some clarity that comes with ketamine. I am realizing that all the hallucinogens in the world are not going to fix my marriage. I am depressed as hell. Ketamine helps. But, part of that is that I am realizing that I can only fix me. If my spouse won’t address any of our issues, I can’t keep taking ketamine to try to fix it. I may as well continue to drink myself to death, for as much as that will help. Ketamine helps me, but I will continue to start at the bottom of the hole every time as long as WE aren’t working on anything. I can’t do the work that will help her, nor us. I can only work on me. I can work WITH anyone, but I can only work ON me.

Goddamnit.

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You have my sympathy, Salty. My first go-around with this monster cost me both my job and my first marriage. FWIW, both turned out to be blessings.

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I recently broke up with my girlfriend. It was all my fault from her perspective. That wasn’t reality. I will be dealing with it tomorrow during my ketamine infusion. Hang in there brother!

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@salty - hugs to you. :heart: I’m so sorry and wish I could spare you what you’re going through. I’ve been through a failed marriage 18 years ago and that’s what really pushed my adult depression, anxiety, and ptsd to the extreme. And started my unsuccessful attempts to find effective medications.

Been thinking a lot about this very subject; in essence what ketamine can’t do in relation to treating depression.

Basically, ketamine can’t fix:
-relationship crap
-family/friend crap
-job crap
-coworker crap
-life/death drama crap
…and basically any of the other stuff that is often driving and exacerbating our depression/anxiety prone brains.

Ending my marriage made such a difference to my mental state that I went from massive doses of SSRI just to function (like a zombie) to being medication-caused slightly manic (which I temporarily counteracted with alcohol). Thankfully I figured out the connection and weaned down to a smaller dose. I do not mean to suggest that life was suddenly wonderful - it wasn’t. But it was easier to cope.

I do NOT mean to suggest any sort of relationship advice!!!

I wish you well. :heart:

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Season’s hard on me as well as my mood always turns downwards when I’m back in my hometown with family (where all the negative feelings first started). I just realized this morning that my honeymoon period of good mood following my first IM sessions has ended, and that was largely triggered by coming back here and being around all the old triggers.

You’re right that ketamine is about working on yourself, and not a balm to fix everything else. Realizing that is part of the self-work IMO. Good luck, and remember that nothing can improve if you don’t stick around to see the improvement. I hope things get better for you soon.

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“nothing can improve if you don’t stick around to see the improvement” - I love this, @JVT!

A happy life is the best revenge.

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I’m glad you liked it. Feeling pretty down today and needed to hear my own advice, thanks for the reminder.

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I spend a lot of time working on me. Therapy, medication, books, more therapy… I’m inches away from admitting I’m unhappy in my marriage, but that’s a hard acknowledgement. By all rational measures, he’s the perfect spouse. Great father, brilliant scientist, fantastic cellist, dependable…

Yet he tends to put himself first. My brain keeps wondering if that’s because he can set boundaries and I can’t. There are times, too, when I feel like he’s gaslighting me over small, stupid things - so I already have depression and anxiety and then I deal with that.

My parents - the world - adores him. Yet another reason I question myself.

So I’m doing all this work to fix me… But is it really me that needs fixing?

Anyway, all this talk about marriages and depression and one-sided work to feel better… It felt safe to finally say the words.

The worst part is I don’t know if I have the energy to do couples therapy, etc. Which, of course, is part of depression, right?

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@SOHoffman76 hugs. Whatever you think and feel is okay and legitimate. :heart::heart::heart:

Every relationship is as unique and deeply personal as our brains.

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Happy New Year, everybody!

As the toast from the old episode of MAS*H said, “May it be a damn sight better than the old one.”

Crawling out from under the holidays, I am feeling a bit better. It has been a tough week. The day before the New Year’s holiday, halfway through my lunch, at work, I get a text from my wife. She had a positive Covid test. Drop everything, tell my boss, try to find a free testing sight that is on my way home. Oh, yeah. First, Mask Up. Then all of that.

Everything worked out. She is triple vaccinated from the hospital where she works. I have the first 2, but no booster, yet. Her case was pretty mild (about like a nasty head cold). So far, I haven’t heard any results on my test (no news is good news, if it were positive they would have been on me like white on rice) and no symptoms. Her quarantine period ended Sunday, so back to whatever passes for normal. I’ll mask at work for a couple more days to allow for lag time in the incubation period.

Yay. Trying to regain some perspective on the world and hold my head up.

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