please be kind in any responses. Thank you.I had one ketamine session during which I successfully processed a secondary /vicarious trauma—it no longer haunts me. But my principle concern is my treatment resistant depression and suicidal ideation triggered by almost any sort of rejection.
When I returned for my second treatment, i was told that I was inappropriate for ketamine therapy b/c as a social worker I had too much secondary trauma, that the first treatment indicated that the first ketamine had damaged me. I tried to explain that in fact it had freed me, but they did not believe me. They considered a second dose but decided against it because I I mentioned how the first dose had helped me understand evil better, and referenced the archetypal Trickster . I tried to explain that for me these were positive things, but was told that my mindset was too negative and I was not a suitable candidate for this type of therapy.
This confused me for 3 reasons: 1. The V.A. Uses ketamine to treat PTSD in vets—how can I be more traumatized than they are? 2. This is is a treatment for depression. Usually depressed people have some kind of depressive thought process going on. Right? Can you really have too much “negative energy” to be treated? 3. How do they know what my experience was and how can I not know? They would not entertain the possibility at all that i found it was incredibly positiveI do understand that I looked distress. while I was processing the trauma. But I was not. I was.detached from the narrative.
Obviously not the treatment program for me. Few alternatives where I live. 1. There is psychiatrist who will do infusions with or w/o therapy. The intake is another $1000, and the chances of me fitting into the paradigm of a male psychiatrist are slim. So I am hesitant. 2. There is the home program—obvious safety concerns. Anyone tried that? 3. Non-medical model. Dissociative drug with a “guide”. Same obvious concerns. Anyone tried.that?
I honestly don’t know what to do now. I don’t know now who I can trust, can I even be treated? I am in a negative spiral right now.
Any suggestions or thoughts?