Yes, you CAN so do it wrong

Turns out I really did do it wrong. They might not let me continue. I was too intense, presented as too distressed. They are afraid it is damaging to me.
I was not distressed. I was acting distressed. I was acting, and watching myself act, and I couldve stopped the performance at any time but noooo…. And now I may have ruined it.
I want this more than anything I can think of. Haha now I really AM distressed. What irony.
Maybe this will keep somebody else from making the same mistake. Just STFU and experience what you experienced, even if it is nothing much.
I get one more chance at a low dose. It is better than nothing but really, at a low dose Im just dozing . For $1200.

I would say to go in and be as open and honest about your experience with them as you can. I think showing that kind of honesty will show them that you do want this help. It will also show them that you have the strength and vulnerability to do the work. If they still turn you down. I would say find another clinic if you can. Don’t give up. What’s the best that can happen? Be gentle with yourself. It’s scary to accept help and change. I’m going into my 10th treatment tomorrow and I still get nervous. I try to see it as excitement now though. Good luck and please continue to fight. It’s not easy but its so worth it. 🫀⚡️

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The dosage goes up each visit I believe

Not in my particular clinic. It is individualized and careful. Oh well//hey, whatever, since that’s exactly whats going to happen.

You are very kind. You’re right, of course, but no, I can’t disclose to them what I really think
and feel. Ive already established my reputations with them//disturbed and fragile. I know how it goes with clinicians. Nope, can’t undo. It’s okay. Just embarrassing. I wont ever put on a performance again or if I do, I will be prepared to acknowledge what I’m doing. There are other approaches to treating depression. I will just have to trust that this was meant to happen, and let go of it.
But it seems so stupid and unnecessary, this is a quasi/medical setting. You dont act out like that. Believe it or not, I once acted out in Court! I wasn’t found in contempt only because this Judge knew me professionally and respected me. It was horribly embarrassing, only in that case I really was not in control. That was hard but I was able to earn the Court’s respect back.

Earning a doctor’s respect back? Not as easy. I knew I would get into-trouble in the patient role. It is justmore embarrassing than anything. But I’ll have this all worked out by the time I see them again. Within me, I mean. there is an element of humor, you know. .
It’s just the result of over-performing and dishonesty. Cried wolf once too often.
So absurdly, got my money’s worth . It’s going to be a big change not to exaggerate and flaunt with histrionic. That will really help the depression. Wow. Im grateful.

I just hear someone who is trying really hard to protect herself even if that means acting out a role while building an impenetrable wall so others including well intentioned professionals can’t make it worse for you. There are so many people that go through life acting. The saddest thing is they have not one ounce of the insight you have. Without that you can’t choose to change it, keep it, disclose it, not disclose it. Historically you may have very good reasons to do this a—even ones that help you survive. Just my thoughts.

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Yeah, I think you’re right. Thanks for your thoughts. Whatever my reasons are, it has cost me this time. Now they believe my lie and as a consequence don’t want to work with me. What a lesson this is.

@Kara - this may sound strange but actually maybe this is the breakthrough you really need to address? I can only guess…being totally unqualified for a real opinion. But maybe this whole experience will lead to more productive work with your therapist.

Like @Booker pointed out - there is obviously a reason you act this way whether consciously or unconsciously. I’m not surprised that it’s terribly embarrassing, especially in a professional setting. I used to start shaking uncontrollably and have tears running down my face if a teacher or professor needed to speak to me privately. A fun leftover from being abused by a teacher. It was involuntary but I did eventually get better at controlling it. The point is…hopefully you can figure out what is triggering these responses. You obviously don’t like behaving that way, which is pretty awful all by itself.

It seems that identifying the issue and working to address it is already a stop forward. Best of luck - hope you get your second chance and that you can relax and go with the flow, instead of fighting it.

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@Shepherdess It breaks my heart to hear about your abuse from a teacher. I am so sorry! Just so wrong❤️ Your strength and kindness shines through even though the effects of the trauma are so difficult.

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Whatever happened, you don’t deserve to be treated a specific way. I imagine, for whatever reason, you crossed a clinical line for them? Still, I can’t say this loudly enough: you were there. You are trying. You are taking steps. You are asking for help.

I agree with so many others here: something is triggering you. Something is creating a need in you to protect yourself. I’m not saying that: you said that - and that seems like great awareness, insight.

Two steps forward, one step back is still progress. And you ARE making progress.

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